Your objective is not to make people laugh. You may state factual details about your event, but saying that your upcoming performance is “going to be the bomb” or using adjectives and/or phrases that actually infer how great it will be is taking it a little bit too far…Bragging is not professional, and it is actually quite a turnoff.

Hear hear! However, considering the number of delusional characters I’ve run into making music, I’d amend that to “Don’t write the hype — even if you truly, truly believe it with all your heart.  Because you’re wrong.”

Also, as someone who has also written more than his fair share of search-optimized copy, I wouldn’t advise one to spend too much time on #6: “Keywords: A Press Release’s Best Friend”, as there’s little more painful to read than amateur attempts at search optimization — just make sure you state clearly what the release is for and include all relevant information, and let the search engines work it out for themselves.  Alternately, I’d recommend hiring a search-optimization expert to do the work if that’s really a major concern for your project, or at the very least doing some serious reading about proper SEO tactics before awkwardly wedging “hottest rock band San Diego” into every other sentence.

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http://sandiego.craigslist.org/csd/muc/1607672021.html

“Hi! I’m the current Bass player of “Back Slot”. Yes..The guitarist is trying to get rid of me but as u see it says in there ad. we need someone to make the band go farther..well i attempted that and there kicking me out know. The drummer is supper cool but the guitarist is NOT. He has a major power trip and will ignore anything u suggest to help the band out. Don’t be 100% sure that your going to have that concert one day that they promised you or that really big gig that could of changed our lives. His mom controlls everything and let me say you will get know where with them. I have known the guitarist for 5 years, and trust me I know how hes like. YES DON I KNOW YOUR READING THIS RIGHT NOW, YES DON I KNOW EVENTUALLY YOUR GOING TO TELL WHAT JOE WROTE AND HES GOING TO BE HOVERING OVER YOUR SHOULDER READING. well guess what…I DONT GIVE A SHIT! I was always there by your side in case your bass player showed up, I was going to play guitar but u needed a bassist for your band, and guess what! i SOLD ALL MY GUITAR SHIT AND SACRIFICED ME PLAYING THE GUITAR CAUSE YOU NEED A BASSIST. and now your kicking me out after all these years i have helped..just cause i thought we would be a better band if we found a new singer….wow…if you kick me out…i will NEVER SPEAK OR LOOK AT YOU EVER AGAIN..dont even plan on it budy. That’s exactly why Brandon quite dude. cause u were being to fucking ignerant to even think about the slight possibly of getting a new singer or or a second guitarist. NO it wasnt because he didnt like punk rock its cause he didnt like a 3 person shit band that couldnt sound good live!…yet im saying all of this but i still have the heart to upload the songs to island records(which takes forever) so u guys can get somewhere….its bullshit Don. I cant believe you.”

For context, it appears this masterpiece of venting was prompted by this posting:

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/ssd/muc/1607335388.html

“POP/PUNK band needs BASSIST!!!! (Imperial Beach)

Hello,

http://www.myspace.com/backslot

”

Ah, is there anything in life that compares to the intensity of high school drama?

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If making with chicken, cut chicken into small (medallion-sized) pieces and saute chicken in 1 tbsp olive oil in large saucepan over medium heat until lightly browned.  Remove chicken from pan and set aside. If making with Chik Patties, prepare Chik Patties according to directions on package and let cool. Cut each pattie into sixths and set aside.

Dice 1 large onion and saute with 2 cloves of minced garlic in saucepan–the same saucepan you cooked the chicken in, if you’re making it with chicken–over medium heat until onions are tender and lightly translucent.  Some people make cacciatore with green bell peppers as well; I usually don’t because I think they make the sauce a bit tart, but if you like feel free to dice 1 medium green bell pepper and saute along with the onion and garlic.

Add 2 1-lb cans of diced tomatoes (or equivalent in fresh tomatoes), 1 15-ounce can tomato sauce, 1 tsp oregano, 1 tsp basil, 1/8 tsp black pepper, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp celery seed, dash red (cayenne) pepper, and 2 bay leaves.  If making with chicken, stir chicken into sauce at this point.  Bring to a boil, stirring frequently, then reduce to medium-low heat and simmer covered for 1 hour, stirring occasionally.

After the hour is up, remove cover and add 1/3 cup red wine.  If making with Chik Patties, stir Chik Patty pieces into sauce at this point (they’ll break up and get too mushy if you add them too soon).  Simmer uncovered for 1/2 hour, then remove from heat and serve over your pasta of choice.  Serves 4-6–but if you make it for two then the leftovers the next day are even better.

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The downside to Lynch doing it all himself, of course, is that new episodes can be few and far between, especially when the show has to take a backseat to paying work.  It’s been a long dry spell lately, but finally Lynchland Episode 23 is up at http://liamlynch.net–haven’t watched it yet, but with guest appearances by Robert Popper and Peter Serafinowicz (both of Look Around You) you can bet it’ll be first in the queue tonight.  And hey, if you haven’t seen Lynchland before, it’s all new to you: scroll down to the bottom of the podcasts page and start at the top (maybe skip the Viewer Mail episodes).

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Below, you can listen to a track from our recent Skybox show; you can safely assume what we play at the Ruby Room will not be too dissimilar.

Also: Paul, Ryan, and I have finally managed to settle on a band name we can all live with: Dietrich.  I hope we can live up to it.

So I guess we need a myspace or something now?  Do people still do that?

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If you happen to be free tomorrow evening (Wednesday, January 13) I’ll be performing with Paul Szewczyk and Ryan Tully-Doyle at the Skybox (http://www.myspace.com/skyboxsportsgrill, http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-skybox-bar-and-grill-san-diego). It’s open mic night from 8-10, then we will go on around 10:15 and play a variety of original compositions and cover tunes you are unlikely to recognize. I believe it’s free to get in and drinks are cheap.

No RSVPs or apologies needed, just feel free to stop in if you’re so inclined.

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Months later, someone bumped that thread containing the original offer, asking whether anyone had received their stickers.  No one had, and I assumed it was yet another example of the internet adage, “If it sounds too good to be true, it is,” cursed them for swindling my precious email address out of me with the promise of free printed goods, and forgot all about it again.  (Hey, it’s the internet, a picture of a cat can make you forget what you were doing five seconds ago.)

But then miraculously a few weeks later, people started posting saying “I got my sticker!”  Still, an equal number of people posted saying their designs had been rejected due to profanity or similar concerns, so I didn’t get my hopes up, as while profanity didn’t apply in my case I could think of at least three good reasons off the top of my head why a company might not want to print and mail out my design.  (So, yes, I forgot about it again).

Then, last week, an envelope in my mailbox.  Recognizing the company name in the return address, I eagerly tore it open to find within a surprisingly well-made, sharply printed vinyl sticker:

Awesome.

Now I just have to figure out where to put it.  Kitchen fridge, maybe?

Edit: Clueless, go here.  Also note this post’s meta keywords were specially SEO’ed.

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Most recently the site is getting traffic for posting a 40-minute compilation of Fugazi onstage banter (yes, really); a few other evocative (and true) post titles include “Dennis Miller Completely Sucks At Everything”, “The Misfats (The World’s Most Corpulent Misfits Cover Band) “, “Victory Records Can Suck It (Better Than Anybody)”, “All These Years Later The Jesus Lizard Still Deliver Better Than Domino’s”, and of course “Q: What’s The Difference Between Paste Magazine And A Bucket Of Shit?” (my personal favorite of the dozens of answers: “It’s possible for a bucket of shit to have been made by a talented writer.”)

Looks like the most recent issue of the print magazine was about fifteen months ago, but considering there was a three-year one before that one came out I wouldn’t expect anything too quickly.  Never mind, plenty of stuff here to catch up on.

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